I live my life alternating between “I’ve got totally this” and “I have no clue what I’m doing.”
I often find myself questioning every move I make while also saving inspirational quotes on Instagram that try to convince me otherwise. I’ve realized that I can start to doubt myself in under 30 seconds, while encouraging myself usually requires a yoga class, chocolate, and a break away from my phone.
Yet something else I’ve also realized is that even though it seems as if I’m on a rollercoaster of becoming and unbecoming, I always take the ride. Even if I feel afraid of the heights my dreams will take me to, I still wake up and reach for them each day. I get back in, and I enjoy the thrill as much as coming back to solid ground. I embrace both the terror and relief. I rejoice in the buildup and the freefall. I come back to myself over and over again.
Some will say this is the definition of insanity. I say this is the definition of perseverance. To come back to what scares you and to do it anyway because you know it’ll change you for the better—that’s powerful; that’s beautiful. Not everyone in this world would be willing to not only face their fears but also face themselves, day in and day out. So to those of us who choose to not only take the ride and take our egos with us: We’re the ones who can make it through anything. We are resilient.
It takes a special kind of soul to keep trying to make your way in a world when you feel like your feet never truly touch the ground. It takes a strong heart to push past worries and doubts to keep reaching for dreams, pretending that you have it figured out. But here’s the thing, we don’t need to pretend. Because guess what? No one really knows what they’re doing. No one really has it figured out. But some of us choose to keep taking that roller coaster ride and enjoy life while in search of who we were meant to become.
And if I’m honest, I feel like an imposter most minutes, hours, and days of the week. Sometimes I’ll get a fresh cup of coffee, put on some jams, and really feel like I’ve got a grasp on this whole life thing. Then sometimes I spill my coffee, drop my AirPods, and realize I wasn’t even holding on. It’s messy, but it’s real. And when someone compliments me? The shock I display is not from a humble place—I really am shocked. And when I succeed in something, I look around for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes, though, I let myself soak in the feeling of maybe/perhaps/possibly knowing what I’m doing.
And then, I keep going.
I keep going because I can’t not pursue my dreams. I can’t not go after what I believe in. I can’t not chase my desires. I can’t not throw my heart into the ring and battle my ego for what I know I deserve. Sometimes I don’t trust myself, but I still do it. From the summit to plummet, I’m all in for the ride. Because I’ve never been someone who could just watch life happen from the side. So even if I’m getting thrown around and around and constantly upside down, I’d choose that over a smooth life any day.
Because the people who think they’ve got it all figured out? They don’t. And if they act as they do? It’s either because they’ve never confronted their demons or they’ve never experienced what it feels like to take your soul for a ride. The ones who don’t have it figured out? We’re the ones who create change. We break the rules so they can be remade. We’re the wild ones. The resilient ones. The risky ones. The wtf-am-I-doing ones. The I-hope-this-works ones. The let’s-try-this-again ones. The omg-I-really-did-it ones.
We’re the ones who get to enjoy every angle, gradient, tilt, and perspective life has to offer. We may have coffee stains and hair that never stays in place, but we’re the lucky ones in the end. Because we choose to keep going against the odds. We decide to keep trying, even if our own ego tells us not to. I know it may not always seem like it, but it’s damn good to be one of us.